Preparation

Last year I had already gone through so many changes in my life, given up some things, and surrendered even more, that I didn't feel that I was in a place to celebrate the Season of Lent.

This year I found myself being drawn to the thought of spending time with God...intentionally.  By this, I mean beyond my regular devotion time.  There's some stuff I've got to get through, and it's something that only God can break through.  So I'm doing it.

For me, I won't actually be taking anything out of my life - no sugar fast, or caffeine fast, or television, or books, or Facebook, or anything like that.  I will be adding to my life.  In the natural course of it, there will be some things I will have to let go of for a time to make room for what I am adding, but that's ok.  It will help me keep my focus.

Christ was in the desert for 40 days, without eating or drinking - simply praying and preparing.  This is my desert time, and this is part of my preparation.

Just so you know...

I have been updating my blog a post at a time for the last several weeks.  I have a pattern where I revive my blog then leave it for months at a time.  Here at the Program I've been keeping a physical journal, and while I'm still not consistent, I do put the important things in it.  That being said (er...written), I am trying to transfer what I've written in my journal onto my blog.  I'm a little behind, so there may be posts that pop up from "the past" that you haven't seen before. 

Just so you know. ;)

Beloved

Remind Me Who I Am - Jason Gray

When I lose my way,
And I forget my name,
Remind me who I am.
In the mirror all I see,
Is who I don't wanna be,
Remind me who I am.
In the loneliest places,
When I can't remember what grace is.

Tell me once again who I am to You,
Who I am to You.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to You,
That I belong to You.
To You.

When my heart is like a stone,
And I'm running far from home,
Remind me who I am.
When I can't receive Your love,
Afraid I'll never be enough,
Remind me who I am.
If I'm Your beloved,
Can You help me believe it.

Tell me once again who I am to You,
Who I am to You, whoa.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to You.
That I belong to You.
To You.

I'm the one you love,
I'm the one you love,
That will be enough,
I'm the one you love.

Tell me once again who I am to You.
Who I am to You.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to You,
That I belong to You, oh.

Tell me once again who I am to You.
Who I am to You.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to You,
That I belong to You.
To You.

2012 Election

I'm not as much into politics as my family is, though I do have certain opinions about our government that I'm choosing not to discuss here on my blog, but I came across this the other day.  It appealed to the geek in me. :D

P.S.: R.S.V.P.

Just so you are all aware, while I am here in the Program, I am unable to get on Facebook or Twitter, or even Google+ regularly.  My blog is set up to post automatically on Facebook and Twitter, but I would love it if you came straight to my blog if you have a comment.  That way I can read and respond to everyone. :)

New Life

A couple months ago, I posted a rather cryptic post saying that I wouldn't be able to communicate for six weeks. Well, obviously it's been longer than six weeks and I figured that I should tell what's been going on.

On November 8, 2011, I entered a Christ-based, Christ-centered residential facility here in Portland, OR, and began a program called the New Life Recovery Program. The New Life Recovery Program, as defined in the Resident Handbook, is a "four-phase program dedicated to leading women to addictions-free, self-sufficient living." The program itself, again according to the Handbook, consists of three components - spiritual growth, overcoming addictions, and life skills development.

That's the cut-and-dried definition. Let me tell you what it really means. It means that for the first time ever, someone understands me. They understand why I've screwed up my life over and over. They understand why I've done what I've done, and they know or can help me figure out right where I went wrong. Most importantly, they know how to help me.

Now, I know that some of you immediately thought that there was no way I could have been addicted to anything enough that I would seek help. I know some of you are thinking that you knew me better than that. And it's true, that's not totally why I'm here. However, here's the thing about addiction - some addictions are obvious and some are so subtle that even the person has no clue that they could even be addicted to such a thing. I had a couple of the obvious ones, and a few of the subtle ones that I have discovered since I've been here. Another thing I've discovered about myself is that if I'd had the money and the opportunity...well, it's a frightening thought. I just thank God that I didn't.

And I do thank God every single day. He is the one who brought me here. I have no doubt about this. Already, in the last two months, He has changed my life. A woman can't live here without God changing her. This place is completely saturated in Him. All day, every day, my focus is continually pointed to Him by events, staff, and other residents. Every single staff member here is committed to Christ first and foremost, and to the residents and their recovery. I think most of all, for us, they are committed to speaking truth into our lives, whether we want to hear it or not. That means that quite often we have to dig deep into ourselves to "clean house" from all the lies we've believed. What comes up can be pretty disgusting, dark, and dangerous to hold on to. Because God is here, this is the best and safest place for us to deal with it all, and God has placed just the right women here as staff to help us.

There is a resident here whose automatic response to things is to say "Praise God!" If it's something she doesn't like, then it's "Well, praise God, anyway!" It's a good reminder to me that God is in control. He brought me here so He can heal me. I'm going to be a whole person again, and all I want to do is praise Him for it. So, praise God!

Incognito

Just to let you know, I will not be able to do any posts for about 6 weeks. Where I am going is a total communication blackout, but I will be keeping a journal and will post when I am able. :)

Thus it begins...

I'm sitting here in Starbucks using their free wifi because the library wasn't open when I left the church. My life has gone through so many changes recently. I figured what better way to document what's happening than blogging about it? I'm not going to promise an update every day, but I will as often as I can.
Stay tuned...

Hmm...

Well, I guess this is the point where I say "I give up."  And I do...but I don't.  What am I kinda-sorta-not-really-but-maybe giving up on?  Stay tuned.

What a Week!

Well, last week was eventful…somewhat.
I've been on Spring Break last week and it continues this week. School starts back up on April 5^th, and I'm really looking forward to it, except maybe for the fact that I have a physics class first thing. I'm not sure about the wisdom of having a science class in the morning, but then again, it might be better than having one in the afternoon.
Anyway, on Wednesday this last week, I opened up my email to see that I had received one from my ex-boyfriend, JM. For those who don't know, JM was abusive to me. In fact, he is so typically abusive, it's scary. According to a mutual friend of ours, he is following the same pattern he did with a previous girlfriend – one who actually moved to Alaska to get away from him. He also would wait several months before emailing her, then wait another few months and email her again. Fortunately for me, his abuse was mostly verbal, but if I hadn't left when I did, it certainly would have escalated. I replied to his email. Yes, I know, I should have just ignored it, but it's that niggling little thought that maybe this once I could talk (or write) something that he won't take out of context or twist to his advantage, or even flat-out lie about. His accusations are hard to ignore, especially when they are false and full of name-calling and straight out viciousness. I warned him that I would take steps to get him to leave me alone (after repeatedly asking him to do so), which he just laughed off. So, I've started the process. I have an appointment with a domestic violence advocate this coming Wednesday to fill out paperwork for a protection order. One major consequence of this is that he would no longer be able to go to the same college which I attend. He went there last quarter, but his classes were in the morning and mine were in the afternoon, and they were on opposite ends of the campus. I never saw him, much to my relief. Plus, his emails had stopped for the time being. This will not prevent him from going to college at all, it just won't allow him to go to the same one I go to. I thought he was finally done…until last Wednesday. I'd appreciate prayers about this.
Thursday night, I went to a Seder dinner with my mother, my little sisters, and my friend, Amy Michelle Wiley. It was a wonderful experience, and I really recommend if you have the chance, you need to go.
Friday, I went to lunch with another friend, Anna Greta Rivera, but this one was not a pleasant experience…at least, not at first. We had stopped at a red light on one of the busiest streets here in town, and just as our car had completely stopped, we heard bang and the car jumped forward. We had been rear-ended! Fortunately, no one was hurt. Anna did decide that she wanted to get checked out, as well as her baby girl, so after her husband met us we headed to the clinic. The baby is just fine and Anna has a strained muscle in her neck. I chose not to go to the doctor, and though I've been a little sore and I also have a neck muscle that seems to be strained, I'm just fine. We still went to eat, but obviously our afternoon didn't go as planned!
Here's hoping this next week is better!

For Those Interested

I have decided to go back to school to finish my Associate's degree and continue on to get my Bachelor's degree. I am currently in my finals week of my first term in ten years, which has been…well, a few things. Interesting. Fun. Stressful. Eye-opening. Inspiring.
I've met some nice people, and I've met a few…characters. I've also met some stereotypes that I was none too pleased to be acquainted with. One in particular is in my English class. He's gay. Obviously and totally. Flaming. And he's just a kid! Now, I've met some gay people that I got along with pretty well. This kid has an attitude that he doesn't deserve to have. He's very annoying. Don't get me wrong, he's a smart kid and his contributions to our discussions in class are applicable and serious. However, his affectations out of class are worthy of eye-rolling and an "oh, please" whispered under your breath.
Ok, ok, I can hear some of you saying that he's still a child of God and he should be treated as such. Love the sinner, hate the sin, etc. I have no problem with that. I have a problem with his attitude that he deserves special attention because of his sexual preference. I would have a problem with anyone who had such an attitude, gay or not.
I don't know what his major is, but I really hope he isn't in any of my classes next quarter.

I Might Be Insane

I've decided to join eHarmony. It might be crazy and unexpected, but there it is. We shall see what happens.

I'm Such a Romantic

Every once in a while, I go through a period where I just don't want to be single anymore.

WARNING: Yes, I am going to talk about my love life...or lack thereof. Feel free to mosey on to someone else's blog if you don't want to read any further. I don't mind. There's probably a lot of entries far more worth reading than this one.

When I was growing up, I had this dream guy. He was tall, well-built, and had an incredible smile. It's funny, but I could never see the rest of his face. I couldn't see his eyes, or what color hair he had, or anything else - just that smile. I still have a dream man. Certain things have changed in what I see as someone I could spend my life with, however.

The thing is, I'm almost 30 years old. Yeah, it's hard for me to believe, too. It's also hard when family and well-meaning friends ask me if there's a special someone in my life - and they don't mean Christ. Certain holidays come and go, friends marry, then they have babies. Time is rushing by.

I've always been a traditionalist when it comes to guy/girl stuff. My older sister and other girls I've known have told me that it just isn't like that anymore. No one so much as blinks when a girl asks a guy out. I prefer to wait for the guy to make the first move. My sister tells me that I could wait forever if I handled it that way.

Well, I tried it. I scared him off. He's now married with kids, and I hope he's very happy.

The next time, I made it obvious I liked him without outright telling him. He figured it out real quick, but was nice enough to ignore my foolishness. When we finally did talk about it, we parted as friends who would never be anything more to each other. He's also married now. I hope he's happy, too.

I'm afraid of doing that again. I'm also afraid of just being a good friend, a "buddy", and nothing more.

My mother recently talked about a Purity conference she and my brother went to last year. The speaker pointed out that in Proverbs 31, it says that the woman did her husband good all the days of her life. That means even before she met him, she was doing him good by preparing her heart and her life to be his. That really struck me. Here I was focusing on my dream man and all the he was supposed to be for me when instead I should be focusing on myself and all that I'm supposed to be for him.

Wait for it.

Here it is.

You ready?

*smacks self on forehead* "DUH!"

I shouldn't be worried about it. God's got it covered. He's shaping me even as I write this. There's someone out there for me, but God is the one to bring us together, not me.

I still have my moments, like now. I really want someone to hold and to hold me. One day I will, but until then there's my teddy bear, Tufty.

We've been through a lot together, Tufty and I.

I Gave My Life Today

I was looking through my Blogger blog at some old posts and found this one. I originally posted this on November 9, 2005, after giving blood earlier that day.

I've donated many times before, willingly and happily. I've never had any complications arise nor have I ever felt any ill effects (except once when I didn't eat beforehand and thus felt quite light-headed afterwards - my fault, not theirs), so when Mom told me she had signed me up to give blood (knowing I wouldn't mind) I was all for it.

We had a 1:30 appointment today and we arrived just in time. After going first to the bloodmobile (where they told us we had to "register" before we came there), we went into the office building and waited for about 30 minutes. Mom got to go, and I sat in a room full of people I didn't know. Not a good situation for me, but fortunately I had a book to escape to.

Finally, after another 15 minutes (or more), I was called to the "bus." Wouldn't you know it? I had to wait some more. Not so long this time, only about 5 minutes. Then I had to in for their little interview they do. Not a big deal, normally. Well, today my blood didn't drop. What I mean is, when the man took a blood sample from my pricked finger (yeee-owch! I can handle the big needle with no problem, but not the little ones for some reason), he put it in a special liquid. If the blood drops to the bottom of the liquid, then there is enough iron in the blood. As I said, my blood didn't drop. It just hung out there at the top. I sat there thinking that I wouldn't be able to give blood because I didn't have enough iron!

He decided to spin the blood and based on that we would continue. Apparently, you need a 32 count of something to be safe, and after he spun my blood, I had a 43. So I was safe there. Don't ask me what the numbers mean.

So next came the questions. Before, I've always done them on my own, then the interviewer would either go over them with me or just check to make sure that I had answered them all. They've cut out the first step. Now, they just ask them. I told the guy straight off the bat that the answers to all the sex questions were "no." He said okay, but he still had to ask them. I guess he's required by law or something. Whatever. The answers were still "no."

We finished and I went out to the main area where the lady (we'll call her a nurse for lack of a better term) awaited me. After all the preliminary stuff, she began to prep my arm. She had no problem finding my vein (I have good veins) to mark it. She then went to help another person who was finishing his pint. She came back to me and when she was ready, she stuck the needle in my arm - and missed my vein. She missed! Come on, people! I have good veins. No one has ever missed my vein. I shudder to think of it even now.

Anyway, she half pulled the needle out, re-found my vein, and pushed the needle in. The sensation I felt was something I had never felt before and never want to again. It wasn't painful so much as it felt like an invasion. It rippled through my entire body and back to the entry point in less than a second, but it felt longer. I opened my mouth, but no sound came out. The nurse noticed and apologized profusely. I could tell she really felt bad, so I didn't have the heart to make a big deal about it.

The whole pint took 5 minutes. The clock was right in front of me, so that's how I know. All of that waiting and hassle for 5 minutes.

So now you ask me, why do I do this? Well, in Leviticus, it says that "the life of the flesh is in the blood." (Lev. 17:11). In John, Christ said, "Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friend." (John 15:13). So it's a bit literal when you look at it this way, but I do believe it's Biblical. After all, Christ also said, "This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you." (John 15:12). Christ gave His blood for us that we might live. Knowing that, how can I not donate my little pint every 56 days if it might mean saving someone's life?

(All Scripture references from the New King James Version.)