Saturday, January 13, 2007

I'm Such a Romantic

Every once in a while, I go through a period where I just don't want to be single anymore.

WARNING: Yes, I am going to talk about my love life...or lack thereof. Feel free to mosey on to someone else's blog if you don't want to read any further. I don't mind. There's probably a lot of entries far more worth reading than this one.

When I was growing up, I had this dream guy. He was tall, well-built, and had an incredible smile. It's funny, but I could never see the rest of his face. I couldn't see his eyes, or what color hair he had, or anything else - just that smile. I still have a dream man. Certain things have changed in what I see as someone I could spend my life with, however.

The thing is, I'm almost 30 years old. Yeah, it's hard for me to believe, too. It's also hard when family and well-meaning friends ask me if there's a special someone in my life - and they don't mean Christ. Certain holidays come and go, friends marry, then they have babies. Time is rushing by.

I've always been a traditionalist when it comes to guy/girl stuff. My older sister and other girls I've known have told me that it just isn't like that anymore. No one so much as blinks when a girl asks a guy out. I prefer to wait for the guy to make the first move. My sister tells me that I could wait forever if I handled it that way.

Well, I tried it. I scared him off. He's now married with kids, and I hope he's very happy.

The next time, I made it obvious I liked him without outright telling him. He figured it out real quick, but was nice enough to ignore my foolishness. When we finally did talk about it, we parted as friends who would never be anything more to each other. He's also married now. I hope he's happy, too.

I'm afraid of doing that again. I'm also afraid of just being a good friend, a "buddy", and nothing more.

My mother recently talked about a Purity conference she and my brother went to last year. The speaker pointed out that in Proverbs 31, it says that the woman did her husband good all the days of her life. That means even before she met him, she was doing him good by preparing her heart and her life to be his. That really struck me. Here I was focusing on my dream man and all the he was supposed to be for me when instead I should be focusing on myself and all that I'm supposed to be for him.

Wait for it.

Here it is.

You ready?

*smacks self on forehead* "DUH!"

I shouldn't be worried about it. God's got it covered. He's shaping me even as I write this. There's someone out there for me, but God is the one to bring us together, not me.

I still have my moments, like now. I really want someone to hold and to hold me. One day I will, but until then there's my teddy bear, Tufty.

We've been through a lot together, Tufty and I.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

You Never Let Go

This is another past blog post, originally posted in May of this year. Oops, I mean last year!

"V.1-Even though I walk through the valley
Of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle
Of the storms of this life
I won't turn back I know You are near

PreChorus-And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Chorus-Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me.

V.2-I can see a light that is coming
For the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth

Bridge-Yes, I can see a light that is coming
For the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You
Still I will praise You"

~Words and Music by Matt and Beth Redman

I have been reading the book of Job this last week or so. What struck me first, and this is really just a side note, was that even when God Himself is impressed by your righteousness, it's still not enough. You still need a Redeemer.

However, what has really rung true for me is that even in the midst of Job's pain, his sorrow, his suffering-- both physical and mental (his friends didn't really help), and his discouragement, he still knew that God was there and that He would deliver Job from his torment.

Some of us can relate. Man, I know I can. For several years I went through a period that I now call The Dark Times. Seriously, if you were given a chance to compare me now to me then, you just might not see much similarity.

I was depressed, yes. There were times I was even in despair. I lost nearly everything, eventually living in a motel, trying to make ends meet from week to week. There were nights that, if it hadn't been for the kindness of friends, I would have had to sleep in my car.

It wasn't because Satan wanted to test my righteousness. No. God was refining me. And it hurt.

I blamed Him, of course, along with my parents (my mother in particular), my jobs, my living situations, my landlords, name it, I blamed it. Except myself.

In all this time, God was working me, shaping me. I railed at Him. I'd shake my fist at Him, telling Him that since He obviously didn't care for me, then I'd forget about Him. Yet, I knew deep inside, where Truth doesn't hide, that He did love me, and that no matter what I said or did to Him, He had a tight hold and He wasn't going to let me go no matter how much I hurt Him. And, believe it or not, even in the midst of my anger at Him, it still comforted me.

When God finally revealed who He was in my life, I was at the end of my rope. Maybe I was just too tired to fight Him anymore. Maybe He had me right where He wanted me, right where I'd listen.

He used my mother, of all people. The one person I fought just as hard as I'd fought Him. This time, there was no fight. I didn't go down swinging. This time I allowed myself to really examine my life and I knew that something had to change.

Long and short: I chose God.

So much power in those three words! I chose God. You know why? Because He chose me. Little me, yet He knew, through the blood of His Son, that I was worth it. He wouldn't let me go, and I can't think of a better end than to love and serve Him for eternity.