Hosea

The last couple of days I've been reading Hosea, which I've never really done before beyond looking up a Scripture here or there. I have to tell you that I've been struck with how God just pours His heart out to us.

I've been told before that Hosea is a picture of Christ because of the way he went to bring his unfaithful wife back home.   Chapter 3 is only five verses long, but I think it is one of the most passionate and heartfelt passages in the whole Bible.

Then the LORD said to me, "Go and love your wife again, even though she commits adultery with another lover.  This will illustrate that the LORD still loves Israel, even though the people have turned to other gods and love to worship them."  So I bought her back for fifteen pieces of silver and five bushels of barley and a measure of wine.  Then I said to her, "You must live in my house for many days and stop your prostitution. During this time, you will not have sexual relations with anyone, not even with me."  This shows that Israel will go a long time without a king or prince, and without sacrifices, sacred pillars, priests, or even idols!  But afterward the people will return and devote themselves to the LORD their God and to David's descendant, their king.  In the last days, they will tremble in awe of the LORD and of his goodness.

He bought her back.  She was so precious to him that it didn't matter where she had been or what she had been doing, he would do anything to get her back.  He loved her that much.  Just as Christ loved us.

Another passage that struck me was in chapter 6:4-7:

"O Israel and Judah, what should I do with you?" asks the LORD. "For your love vanishes like the morning mist and disappears like dew in the sunlight.  I sent my prophets to cut you to pieces— to slaughter you with my words, with judgments as inescapable as light.  I want you to show love, not offer sacrifices. I want you to know me more than I want burnt offerings.  But like Adam, you broke my covenant and betrayed my trust."

God craves relationship with us, much more than anything we can do to make ourselves right before Him.  This is the why of His grace and mercy.

Below I have a link to a song by Andrew Peterson that kind of prompted me to read Hosea.  I think it's a beautiful song.  Have a listen:

"Hosea" by Andrew Peterson on his album The Resurrection Letters, Vol. 2

Preparation

Last year I had already gone through so many changes in my life, given up some things, and surrendered even more, that I didn't feel that I was in a place to celebrate the Season of Lent.

This year I found myself being drawn to the thought of spending time with God...intentionally.  By this, I mean beyond my regular devotion time.  There's some stuff I've got to get through, and it's something that only God can break through.  So I'm doing it.

For me, I won't actually be taking anything out of my life - no sugar fast, or caffeine fast, or television, or books, or Facebook, or anything like that.  I will be adding to my life.  In the natural course of it, there will be some things I will have to let go of for a time to make room for what I am adding, but that's ok.  It will help me keep my focus.

Christ was in the desert for 40 days, without eating or drinking - simply praying and preparing.  This is my desert time, and this is part of my preparation.

Just so you know...

I have been updating my blog a post at a time for the last several weeks.  I have a pattern where I revive my blog then leave it for months at a time.  Here at the Program I've been keeping a physical journal, and while I'm still not consistent, I do put the important things in it.  That being said (er...written), I am trying to transfer what I've written in my journal onto my blog.  I'm a little behind, so there may be posts that pop up from "the past" that you haven't seen before. 

Just so you know. ;)

Beloved

Remind Me Who I Am - Jason Gray

When I lose my way,
And I forget my name,
Remind me who I am.
In the mirror all I see,
Is who I don't wanna be,
Remind me who I am.
In the loneliest places,
When I can't remember what grace is.

Tell me once again who I am to You,
Who I am to You.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to You,
That I belong to You.
To You.

When my heart is like a stone,
And I'm running far from home,
Remind me who I am.
When I can't receive Your love,
Afraid I'll never be enough,
Remind me who I am.
If I'm Your beloved,
Can You help me believe it.

Tell me once again who I am to You,
Who I am to You, whoa.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to You.
That I belong to You.
To You.

I'm the one you love,
I'm the one you love,
That will be enough,
I'm the one you love.

Tell me once again who I am to You.
Who I am to You.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to You,
That I belong to You, oh.

Tell me once again who I am to You.
Who I am to You.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to You,
That I belong to You.
To You.

2012 Election

I'm not as much into politics as my family is, though I do have certain opinions about our government that I'm choosing not to discuss here on my blog, but I came across this the other day.  It appealed to the geek in me. :D

Admission

I went to the Well again yesterday and heard the man preach about prayer again.  It was better the second time around.  He said something this time that I didn't catch last time: prayer is the admission to God that you can't handle it on your own.  Wow.  That's the first time I've heard soemthing like that and it makes complete sense to me.

It makes sense because I've had a hard time praying all my life and now I know it's because I didn't want to admit that I couldn't do it on my own.  I wnated to be the one to do it all.  I wanted to do God's job, and that is pride.  That puts me in the same position as Lucifer before he fell.  That's a frightening thought and if it weren't for God's incredible love and grace, that would be my fate.

So now I'm all about prayer.  I can't do it on my own.  I need God to get through every day, one day at a time.  He's got to the the one to do it.  Even something so simple as asking Him to wake me up so I can spend time with Him to how He provides for our needs here and then some - He's got it covered and I need to rely on Him.

Sweet Aroma

So this weekend has been a good one for learning about worship (acts of…) and sacraments, but the biggie for me was on Saturday night at The Well Church when a man spoke on prayer.

He said that prayer was very important and he broke it down into four things, two of which stood out to me.  The first is that prayers are stored up in bowls as incense to God and are a sweet aroma to Him.  Wow.  I love that picture and it puts a new perspective on prayer for ne.  A positive one that makes me want to pray.  I have a very hard time praying I’ve had moments where I’ve felt the connection to God as I pray but for the most part, though I believe that He hears me, I feel like I’m talking to myself.  This tells me that I’ve not just talking to myself, but it’s a sweet aroma to Him.

The second thing that he said was that a house that doesn’t pray is not a church.  Basically, what I got from that was that prayer draws people together and to God.  This man had story after story about how prayer, just prayer, brought people to God, even those who didn’t believe.  And he also had stories of churches that fell apart because their members refused to pray together.

At the end of his message, he challenged was all to set aside a time to pray, and he wasn’t talking about a five-minute prayer before we go to sleep. But he said to start with a purposeful half an hour.  While that thought intimidates me, at the same time I’m encouraged because I’ve been wanting to develop my prayer life.  God is telling me that He’s making a ways for me to do that.


 

Desert

Today is the first day of Lent.  It’s a Wednesday, the day we have worship here in the morning.  Travis read a devotional that talked about Christ and His time in the desert.   I don’t remember if he read this or if it’s something that occurred to me, but either way it struck me that Christ went through the desert before He fulfilled God’s purpose for His life.  God was preparing Him.

There are several people who went through their “desert” times, sometimes literally – Moses and Joshua immediately come to mind.  And, on a side not, there is something about the number 40, but I don’t know what it is.  Moses spent 40 years as a pampered prince, the next 40 years in a literal desert before God called him.  Joshua spent 40 years wandering the desert with the children of Israel before leading them into the Promised Land.

The point is that they all went through this harsh time before beginning the ministry of God, and God was with them the entire time, though there were times when He was quiet.

This is my desert time.  God has a purpose for me, but right now is the time for preparation.

Belief

Our chaplain has asked all of us in her life group to journal. Well, it’s not a request, actually, she’s made it a requirement. The two questions are:

1) What new thing have I learned about God this week?
2) What new thing have I learned about myself?

Well.

The easy one is what new thing have I learned about God. Travis Vice, the pastor of a church plant I've become involved in called Roots Community Church (which is very involved as a community with The Program here), preached an interesting message this last Sunday. The text was Mark 6, and he was talking about a) how Christ was rejected by His own family, and b) how a person’s faith directly relates to the power of God in his or her life. The “a” part is at the very beginning of Mark 6, and it talks in verse 3 about how they scoffed and refused to believe in Him because He was “just a carpenter, the son of Mary.” They probably also remembered the questionable circumstances of His birth – Jews have long memories. It continues in v. 4 where Jesus replies by saying, “A prophet is honored everywhere except in His own hometown, and among His relatives and family.” (NLT). Here’s what gets me, though: verse 5, “And because of their unbelief, He couldn’t do any miracles among them except to place His hands on a few sick people and heal them. 6 And He was amazed at their unbelief.” (NLT). He couldn’t perform any miracles because they didn’t believe! Their unbelief made Him powerless.

So what does that say about me? For years I struggled with believing that God was there for me. I didn’t see Him moving in my life. Well, duh! It’s because I didn’t believe.
“Believe” is an action word. Having faith is an action. It’s as simple as doing. There’s a saying that God helps those who help themselves. While I have a problem with how that can lead us to a works-oriented religion, it is still true that in a sense. We can help ourselves by simply believing.

P.S.: R.S.V.P.

Just so you are all aware, while I am here in the Program, I am unable to get on Facebook or Twitter, or even Google+ regularly.  My blog is set up to post automatically on Facebook and Twitter, but I would love it if you came straight to my blog if you have a comment.  That way I can read and respond to everyone. :)

New Life

A couple months ago, I posted a rather cryptic post saying that I wouldn't be able to communicate for six weeks. Well, obviously it's been longer than six weeks and I figured that I should tell what's been going on.

On November 8, 2011, I entered a Christ-based, Christ-centered residential facility here in Portland, OR, and began a program called the New Life Recovery Program. The New Life Recovery Program, as defined in the Resident Handbook, is a "four-phase program dedicated to leading women to addictions-free, self-sufficient living." The program itself, again according to the Handbook, consists of three components - spiritual growth, overcoming addictions, and life skills development.

That's the cut-and-dried definition. Let me tell you what it really means. It means that for the first time ever, someone understands me. They understand why I've screwed up my life over and over. They understand why I've done what I've done, and they know or can help me figure out right where I went wrong. Most importantly, they know how to help me.

Now, I know that some of you immediately thought that there was no way I could have been addicted to anything enough that I would seek help. I know some of you are thinking that you knew me better than that. And it's true, that's not totally why I'm here. However, here's the thing about addiction - some addictions are obvious and some are so subtle that even the person has no clue that they could even be addicted to such a thing. I had a couple of the obvious ones, and a few of the subtle ones that I have discovered since I've been here. Another thing I've discovered about myself is that if I'd had the money and the opportunity...well, it's a frightening thought. I just thank God that I didn't.

And I do thank God every single day. He is the one who brought me here. I have no doubt about this. Already, in the last two months, He has changed my life. A woman can't live here without God changing her. This place is completely saturated in Him. All day, every day, my focus is continually pointed to Him by events, staff, and other residents. Every single staff member here is committed to Christ first and foremost, and to the residents and their recovery. I think most of all, for us, they are committed to speaking truth into our lives, whether we want to hear it or not. That means that quite often we have to dig deep into ourselves to "clean house" from all the lies we've believed. What comes up can be pretty disgusting, dark, and dangerous to hold on to. Because God is here, this is the best and safest place for us to deal with it all, and God has placed just the right women here as staff to help us.

There is a resident here whose automatic response to things is to say "Praise God!" If it's something she doesn't like, then it's "Well, praise God, anyway!" It's a good reminder to me that God is in control. He brought me here so He can heal me. I'm going to be a whole person again, and all I want to do is praise Him for it. So, praise God!

Incognito

Just to let you know, I will not be able to do any posts for about 6 weeks. Where I am going is a total communication blackout, but I will be keeping a journal and will post when I am able. :)

Thus it begins...

I'm sitting here in Starbucks using their free wifi because the library wasn't open when I left the church. My life has gone through so many changes recently. I figured what better way to document what's happening than blogging about it? I'm not going to promise an update every day, but I will as often as I can.
Stay tuned...

Hmm...

Well, I guess this is the point where I say "I give up."  And I do...but I don't.  What am I kinda-sorta-not-really-but-maybe giving up on?  Stay tuned.

Dross

"⁸Look, I go forward, but He is not there. And backward, but I cannot perceive Him; ⁹when He works on the left hand, I cannot behold Him; when He turns to the right hand, I cannot see Him. ¹⁰But He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold." Job 23:8-10 (NKJV)

I've written a little about my bout with depression before, and in that post I mentioned how Job knew that no matter what, God was still there. Recently, I've fallen into a depressive state again (though I wouldn't say that I am depressed), and I've been struggling with it. I mean, there are a lot of good things happening in my life, but there are things that I've worried about, too.

Yesterday was the third day of my latest migraine. I didn't start getting migraines until a few years ago, and they started to get really bad and more frequent earlier this year. I would say that part of the reason is due to stress from dealing with my break-up with JM and going back to school full time. Yesterday was also Sunday, so in spite of the pounding in my head, I went to church. I managed to get through worship, but by the time break time came so the pastor could get set up, I was in sorry shape. As I sat in the fellowship hall debating whether or not I should go in to try to listen to the sermon, I got the rather strong urge to find someone to pray for my head right then and there. I found two ladies who had yet to go in to the sanctuary and they were more than willing to pray for me. I sat in a chair while they prayed over me, and then one started to rub my neck and shoulders. She asked me if there were a lot of tension spots. I laughed and said, "Probably." She then said that there were things I needed to let go, so while she ministered to my neck, I bent my head and in a jumble of words poured out some of my immediate concerns to God. When she finished, and though I wasn't anywhere near to be finished, my migraine was almost gone. Not completely, but almost. It stayed that way for the rest of the time I was at church.

What she said got me thinking more about things that I need to let go. See, I have a hard time letting go of things. I tend to try to rely on myself more than on God. I get worried about things very easily and then I try to figure out how to resolve these worries. Recently, it's been about finances – getting things together for school, finding a place to live, paying my phone bill, etc. Unfortunately, I also have the bad habit of procrastinating. So many times things are left to the last minute, which only adds to the stress. I realized a long time ago that it was this combination, among a few other things, that was a catalyst to my prior depression. However, I chose to blame God for everything. When I read this passage in Job the first time, I was amazed how the first two verses encompassed exactly how I felt. But then I got to verse 10: "But He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold." God wanted me to read that verse that day. In it, He was telling me, "I know how you felt that I wasn't there, but I was. I still am. I know everything that has gone on with you, and I know what is yet to happen. I allow you to go through things like this because it refines you. Gold has to go through the refining process to gain its purity. So it is with you. This will not be the last time you will go through hardship, but know that there is purpose in everything I do." As far as encouragement goes, it's not a "feel-good" kind of thing, but to me something clicked.

It's so hard to keep that in mind, though, and when that kind lady told me I needed to let go of things, it was nothing but a gentle reminder from God. There are other things I need to let go, as well. It's the dross of my life. As each impurity rises to the surface, God removes it. I just need to stop being so stubborn.

Udates

Well, I've updated...er, backdated, I guess...my blog.  I re-posted some older posts from when I had this blog and another blog a few years ago.  There aren't as many as I'd thought there would be, because some were for a specific social networking site (Shoutlife!) and they didn't apply here.  Anyway, check them out and I will also try to post a new one soon.

Who I Am

I originally wrote this back in September 2007 and sent it to my mother for her to read. Today, she forwarded it to me asking if I still had a copy. I'm sure I do somewhere (between moving, switching computers, etc.), but after re-reading it, I decided to post it here. ~ LB

Have you ever been in the midst of some mundane task, like…say, making coffee, and God gifts you with an insight? That happened to me a few days ago while I was…yes, making coffee.

Names are important to me. I like to try to find the meaning of my friends' names, both the first and the middle. Each name has an individual origin and meaning, and it's neat to combine the separate meanings into one that might make some sense. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. After that, I like to try to find a spiritual application that I can put to the name and what it means. Again, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

That doesn't mean that God doesn't have an His own application to ascribe to a name, and I believe He gives our parents our names for a reason. It's just not obvious to us at the time. And sometimes we think we know, but later it turns out that it is not what we first thought it meant.

My name is Lauren Margaret. "Lauren" means "victorious," and "Margaret" means "pearl." Together, they could be either "victorious pearl" or "pearl of victory." I prefer "pearl of victory." It seems to be more definite, more clear, about who I am in Christ.

When I first found out what my name meant, I was in high school. I pondered what it meant to me spiritually for a long time, because even then names were important to me, though I didn't know why. One day, while I was in the bath (yes, another mundane task), it occurred to me that it meant that I would have victory in certain areas of my life. "That's great!" thought I in my naiveté. "There's hope for me yet!"

Little did I know that the certain areas in my life in high school were quite trivial compared to certain areas in my life in college and beyond. How was I to know at the time that God would continue to work on me? I didn't have a true perception of Who God really is.

I'm getting there. While I was making that coffee, God spoke to me. He said, "You know how you thought your name meant you would be victorious?"

"Thought, God?" I fill the coffee maker with water. "What do you mean by that? I still do think it."

"It's time to change that." He answered as I measured out the coffee beans. "The victory has already been won through My Son. You know that."

I pause. "Yes, I do. But we have our own victories to win, right? I mean, You hone our character through these situations You place us in. When we finish one trial, and learn what we need to, then we've had a victory."

I can feel Him gently smiling at me as I turn on the coffee grinder. "Dear child," He says. "It's not about the victories you win. It's not even about the trials you go through. It's about becoming holy and pure, like My Son. What happens to make a pearl?"

I recount in my head the story of how the oyster makes a pearl. Instead of spitting out an irritation, the oyster covers it with a fine layer of mother of pearl. Over time and after many layers, what was once an irritation becomes a beautiful and luminous pearl, shining with a radiance that seems to emanate from it's very core. That's when it hit me.

I am an irritation because I am sin. I was born sin and my life is sin. Because of God's incredible and beautiful love for us, He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to die on that Cross. His blood covers us, covers our sin with grace. Over time, our sin is not visible to God anymore. For each trial we go through, we receive more grace. And more grace. His grace is limitless!

"Yes, child," He says into my heart. "It's not about the victories. It's about what My Son does for you. When I finish with you, you will be the most beautiful pearl, and you will shine with the radiance of Christ, Who is the core of your being. That is what your name means. It is who you are to Me. My Pearl."

Silence

When I read this post by Pete Peterson at The Rabbit Room, it brought some memories regarding Easter to mind.

When I was younger, we attended a certain Episcopal church in East Tennessee, and that is the only church I remember where we followed the traditions of Holy Week. Even as a young girl, I remember the solemnity during specific services, especially Good Friday. I remember my mother instructing me about what happened during this particular service, and how at the end we had to leave the church in silence. It was the silence that had the impact on me. I remember hearing the people shuffling about in the almost-completely dark sanctuary (due to candles, except one, being extinguished during the service), the sound of their clothes rubbing, coughing, the sound of them picking up their belongings. We walked in somewhat of a line out of the sanctuary into the fellowship hall. I didn't understand it then, and when we reached the fellowship hall it felt like something lifted and I could be my usual self. As I thought about it in later years, I realize the significance of the darkness and the silence. When Christ died, even God, His Father, went into mourning.

Today, we celebrate His Resurrection. It is a true celebration because of the reason why He died and why He rose again – for us. So that we may have life in Him. Life everlasting. I can't think of a better reason to celebrate, can you?

Book Thoughts

So I've been doing a lot of thinking about this book I want to write. I have a general thought about it as well as the Main Character (MC) and two supporting characters, with a couple of other minor characters. Many of you know my story, "Genoa," and some of you have read a longer version of it, "Genoa (revised)." I want to expand it even more, and for a long time I didn't know where to take it. After everything that has happened to me with JM, I've thought that I would address the issue of domestic violence in this book. I'm thinking also that it would be somewhat therapeutic.
Now I've just got to figure out how I'm going to work on it while I'm going to school. :P

What a Week!

Well, last week was eventful…somewhat.
I've been on Spring Break last week and it continues this week. School starts back up on April 5^th, and I'm really looking forward to it, except maybe for the fact that I have a physics class first thing. I'm not sure about the wisdom of having a science class in the morning, but then again, it might be better than having one in the afternoon.
Anyway, on Wednesday this last week, I opened up my email to see that I had received one from my ex-boyfriend, JM. For those who don't know, JM was abusive to me. In fact, he is so typically abusive, it's scary. According to a mutual friend of ours, he is following the same pattern he did with a previous girlfriend – one who actually moved to Alaska to get away from him. He also would wait several months before emailing her, then wait another few months and email her again. Fortunately for me, his abuse was mostly verbal, but if I hadn't left when I did, it certainly would have escalated. I replied to his email. Yes, I know, I should have just ignored it, but it's that niggling little thought that maybe this once I could talk (or write) something that he won't take out of context or twist to his advantage, or even flat-out lie about. His accusations are hard to ignore, especially when they are false and full of name-calling and straight out viciousness. I warned him that I would take steps to get him to leave me alone (after repeatedly asking him to do so), which he just laughed off. So, I've started the process. I have an appointment with a domestic violence advocate this coming Wednesday to fill out paperwork for a protection order. One major consequence of this is that he would no longer be able to go to the same college which I attend. He went there last quarter, but his classes were in the morning and mine were in the afternoon, and they were on opposite ends of the campus. I never saw him, much to my relief. Plus, his emails had stopped for the time being. This will not prevent him from going to college at all, it just won't allow him to go to the same one I go to. I thought he was finally done…until last Wednesday. I'd appreciate prayers about this.
Thursday night, I went to a Seder dinner with my mother, my little sisters, and my friend, Amy Michelle Wiley. It was a wonderful experience, and I really recommend if you have the chance, you need to go.
Friday, I went to lunch with another friend, Anna Greta Rivera, but this one was not a pleasant experience…at least, not at first. We had stopped at a red light on one of the busiest streets here in town, and just as our car had completely stopped, we heard bang and the car jumped forward. We had been rear-ended! Fortunately, no one was hurt. Anna did decide that she wanted to get checked out, as well as her baby girl, so after her husband met us we headed to the clinic. The baby is just fine and Anna has a strained muscle in her neck. I chose not to go to the doctor, and though I've been a little sore and I also have a neck muscle that seems to be strained, I'm just fine. We still went to eat, but obviously our afternoon didn't go as planned!
Here's hoping this next week is better!